Though am dead, the pastor said I can live again through Jesus.I am HIV Positive and heavily pregnant, can my baby be negative? If my baby doesn’t get my affliction, then I might consider the idea that God forgives and redeems.
Well, I don’t blame myself at least not for the genesis of my issues. Daddy should have listened to my complaints; mummy should have pressed him more on my issues. Throughout school, dad and mum never visited me, not once.
Maybe I should take some blames too. Anyway, it’s too late. I’m dead. My body is living but my soul dead, my conscience is buried.
I’ve gone beyond redemption. Uthman loves me, his father adores me. So why should I let out my flaws and get treated like dirt?
No one in their right sense would marry me if I told them my story.
I converted to Islam and took the name Aisha. Since they thought I had no family, Uthman’s family, we fixed the union silently and I got married for the first time.
My wedding night was the saddest day of my life. I played back the whole thing and sighed at how things turned out for me. I married a rich man but won’t live with peace of mind. I’d constantly look over my shoulder, fearing that my past might catch up with me.
I didn’t enjoy my first sex with Uthman; he was good at it and all but couldn’t feel the pleasure he thought I was giving him. Unknown to him, he was collecting the virus.
With time, I settled for the life. I knew I was positive and was taking the meds. He didn’t but he would soon get the news that he was too. I was sure it would be traced back to me and hell will lose.
So one evening, I concocted an idea. I went moody before he got back from work and started sobbing the moment he entered.
I claimed I just found out that I was positive and blamed him for giving me the virus. He was shocked, sad and tongue-tied.
We saw a doctor and he confirmed that he got the affliction too.
I was lucky he had led a loose life while abroad so he couldn’t tell who gave who the virus. He begged me and we planned our life around schedules and meds.
We were healthy and alive, there was the money and facility but we were afraid of birthing a baby. We didn’t want to bring a baby to the world with the virus but our doctor assured us of a procedure that will make sure our baby was negative. So we made a baby.
I was 6months pregnant when I saw on TV that Dad and Mum had died in an accident. They were returning from a revival in Nnewi. I fainted and sobbed for weeks. Nobody could comfort me, I couldn’t tell them what was the problem. I had told them I was an orphan. I wailed and suffered in silence.
I thought I’d be better soon, and move on but it was impossible. I kept having nightmares and hallucinations. I’d see my Dad cursing me by the graveside and Mum would be sobbing in a corner of whatever room I was.
I was close to madness. Finally, I lost my brace, I confessed to Uthman, told him all of my story. He got furiously mad at me and made sure I left his house that day. No amount of pleading would placate him, even his father was madder at me. I was eight months heavy but no pity was taken on me.
I returned to my father house the following weekend, with nobody to welcome me. I wanted so much to hear my daddy scream and yell at me, I wouldn’t mind a slap or two from my mum. I really needed someone but all I had was the silent walls of the house.
I didn’t deliver my baby in the 9th month. I saw doctors but they had no reasonable explanation so reverted to God.
For the very first in a very long time, I needed God. I wept and cried to God for days but saw no significant change. I then realised I was fooling myself. God wouldn’t listen to a filth like me.
I went to a church and begged the pastor help me beg God to at least let me born the baby safely. If not for reason, he should consider the baby, it had no sin.
I knew he can’t forgive me. I’ve gone too rotten but the baby doesn’t deserve to share from my punishment.
The pastor thought otherwise. He thought God doesn’t think like that, he will forgive me as far as I’m willing to ditch my old ways. He was quoting John 3:16 and all other verses that I knew like the back of my hand. I was just looking at him. I knew he didn’t know me well enough.
But the man of God was not the one to be discouraged. He introduced me to support and bible study groups. Finally, I had my baby. He is negative. I was happy and appreciative.
God came through despite my gross deficiencies. He’s ever merciful and forgiven.
My baby, Joseph is now 24, his convocation is next Thursday.
I was dead but the death of Jesus on the cross resurrected me. Hallelujah, his mercy endureth forever.
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